


Only You

by BlackSkyandRoses



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angry Makeouts, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Garrus tells stories, Kaiden and Shepard try to figure out their relationship, Lots of feels and love confessions and comforting each other, Love Confessions, OTP Feels, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect), Reunions, Reunited and It Feels So Good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-19 23:59:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4765859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackSkyandRoses/pseuds/BlackSkyandRoses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan and Shepard have to work on this whole "having feelings for each other" thing they have going on.  Another fight after Horizon and the Collectors leads to Garrus and Kaiden having a slightly intoxicated conversation about what happened after Shepard came back. Which leads to Kaiden and Shepard talking about their feelings, for real. </p><p>Angry makeouts, angst, smut and fluff. It'll all have a happy ending though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I have a lot of scenes in my head about Kaidan and Shepard. Some of the characters were there the whole time Shepard worked with Cerberus to combat the Collectors, and they would have seen Shepard Post-Horizon, so I feel like they might have a few things to say to the two humans. 
> 
> Basically Kaidan and Shepard are still having feelings all over the place for each other, Garrus, Liara and Tali (who doesn't make an appearance in this one, sorry) are her BFFs and feel that maybe it's time for a little nudge.
> 
> This isn't strictly within continuity, I guess. But it's after Kaidan rejoins the Normandy but before their dinner date.

“Goddamnit Kaidan, what do you want from me?”

Shepard’s voice rang out angrily through the room. Garrus looked up from where he was, concealed behind some plastic sheeting with Liara. When the Alliance grounded Shepard to put her on trial, they’d dry-docked the Normandy and started to rip out all of the Cerberus trappings, but they hadn’t quite put her back together before the war had kicked off, and several rooms were unfinished. Liara had roped him into helping her bring in all of her Shadow Broker gear, and the two of them were laying cords on the far side of the room that had previously belonged to Miranda Lawson.  The room was draped with plastic sheeting, crates and what felt like miles of electrical cords, which apparently made it an ideal spot for humanity’s first two spectres to have continue their more or less constant fighting.

“What I want is to know what happened to you!” Kaidan snapped back at Shepard.

“You _know_ what happened! The Normandy was attacked, I died in space, Cerebus brought me back and pointed me to the collectors. And before we go through this whole “you worked for Cerebus” thing again, let me point out that I tried to go through Alliance routes, I tried to go through the council, but nobody would _listen_ to me! I know it was a bit of a shock to have two years pass and suddenly oh shit, Shepard’s back! And she’s talking about the reapers again! But you’d think someone would remember the what happened the last time I tried to warn everyone about an invasion!”

Garrus looked over at Liara, who looked as awkward as he felt. What Shepard was saying was nothing new to him, she’d vented to him quite a few times during their time fighting off the collectors, but he felt like this was a conversation that Shepard and Kaidan would rather have in private. Which, he realized, they thought they were.

“Well, you have to see it from their side Shepard. We all thought you were dead, there was a memorial for you, and suddenly you show up after two years working for a terrorist organization, do you have any idea how that looked?” Kaidan ran his hands through his hair in frustration, wincing slightly. He still had a fair bit to go before he was fully recovered from the events on Mars, and his shoulders and back still ached.

Shepard’s voice cracked on her reply, and Liara winced at the raw pain she heard in her voice.

“Do you think I _wanted_ to work with Cerberus, Kaidan? Do you really think I _wanted_ to wake up, cold, confused and under attack, only to find out that two years of my life were gone? That I’d essentially been dead, or in some sort of medically induced coma that whole time? That everyone I’d loved or cared for was unavailable to me, that their whereabouts and conditions were unknown?”

Shepard spun around and glared up at Kaidan. He was easily six inches taller than her, but her green eyes met his amber ones and held them angrily.

“When the voice over the intercom told me I’d been out for two years, I dropped to my knees on the floor of the medical facility. She assumed it was because I was still disoriented, but it was because my first thought was of you, Kaidan. That I’d left you behind for two fucking years, and that I had no idea if you were okay. That hurt more than the dying did, and let me tell you that getting spaced fucking _hurts_ , Alenko. I don’t recommend it.”  

Kaidan dropped his eyes as his heart hammered in his chest. Her first thought had been of him. Maybe… maybe she really was the same person that he’d fallen in love with all of those years ago. He needed to explain, to tell her that he’d reacted in self- defence, out of fear of getting hurt again. Losing Shepard again… he wasn’t strong enough to live through that a second time.

“I.. I just… you were _asleep_ for those two years, Shepard. I wasn’t. I had to attend your memorial, I had to wake up every morning in an empty bed and remember why you weren’t there beside me. Then to have you just..just _show up_ on Horizon, I needed to know it wasn’t a joke, or some sort of Cerberus trick.. I didn’t know if you’d been alive all along, and just didn’t want to see me, or if you didn’t care anymore”

Kaidan’s voice shook, and he clenched his hands into fists to try and stop the trembling in his fingers.

“I tried to find you!” Shepard shouted, her voice bouncing off the walls.

Liara winced, and Garrus mused that it didn’t matter if they were caught overhearing the argument, half the crew would probably hear them by the end. Shepard had a fantastic shouting voice, and she would shout for hours if she really got going.

“The first thing I did when I woke up and got my ass out of the war zone that was the Cerberus facility was to go to the council! The first thing I did was warn them about the collectors, and the second thing I did was to ask them about you! All I got in a return is a “Hey Shepard, glad you’re not dead, here’s your Spectre status back, now be on your merry way and save the galaxy in secret! Then I tried Anderson, and he wouldn’t tell me, because he thought I was working for Cerberus! Hackett wouldn’t even talk to me for the longest time, so there’s no way I could get the information there! I tried looking you up on the extranet, but your mission on Horizon was classified, and the Alliance still thought I was dead, so it’s not like I had a lot to go on, Kaidan!”

Shepard fought back a sob, and took a step closer to Kaidan. She was close enough that she could feel his biotics tingle against her skin, but she steadfastly ignored it.

“This is what I need you to understand, Kaidan. Nobody believed me. Nobody would listen to me, and nobody would stand by me for the longest time! The only people who believed me when I woke up was Cerberus, and that’s because the Illusive Man wanted his own personal Shepard lapdog that he could point at his enemies. Well fuck him, and fuck you too if you still think I’m working for them, that I could _ever_ willingly work with someone who does the things we’ve seen! I made a deal with the devil to try and save the people I care about, and I’m sorry for anything I did to hurt you. I had to convince everyone that I was real, that I was still the same old Commander Shepard, just two years not-dead and slightly upgraded on the operating table. You, Garrus, Liara, Tali… I had to convince each one of you, over and over again. You were the only person who walked away from me, Kaidan. _You_ were the only one who didn’t come back. And I get it. Your dead girlfriend shows back up, “working with” this organization that you hate, and you had your own mission. I get it. But I am not working with them now! After we defeated the Collectors, I cut any ties I might have had with them, turned myself into the Alliance and waited for my trial like a good little girl! I will own up to what I did, but I did it to save the galaxy from the Collectors, and for that I’m not sorry!”

Shepard’s voice was ringing off the metal walls of the room, and Garrus couldn’t help but to admire how forceful and charismatic his friend was. And also to be glad that she wasn’t shouting at him like that.

Shepard’s words cut like a knife, and twisted in Kaidan’s guts. It was true. He’d dismissed her explanations out of hand, and accused her of being a traitor to everything she’d ever stood for and everyone she’d loved. But it was because he was so scared that she was being used, manipulated, or it wasn’t really her at all.

“Look, I know I reacted badly, and I shoved you away. But when I saw you, it was like re-opening every wound that I thought had healed. I was so scared that someone was masquerading as you, or that you were being manipulated or controlled by Cerberus somehow. I just… I just needed some sign, something to show me that you were the same person you always were, Shep! I needed something to know I could trust you!”

“You want a sign?! Fine! Here!”

Before he could even react, Shepard’s biotics had slammed him against the wall, and she was pressed up against him. Kaidan felt her hands wind roughly into his hair, and suddenly she was kissing him fiercely.  Before he could even think about it, he instinctively wrapped one arm around her waist, and trailed the other down her back.

Shepard bit his lip hard, not bothering to play nice. She was pissed at him, but she wanted him badly. The ache that hadn’t left her since she’d woken up and learned what happened was growing stronger, and she felt like she would burst if she didn’t do anything about it. His reaction on Horizon and his suspicion of her, mixed with the attack on Mars and the fact that she cared for him more that she’d ever thought possible… She was furious with him and his reaction, with his goddamned suspicion, but she needed him as well. She needed him badly, and her anger only served to fuel that particular fire.

She tugged his hair, tipping his head back so she could kiss and suck her way down the column of his throat, nipping at the skin lightly.

“Fuck, Shepard…” Kaidan groaned when she nipped at his pulse point. He slid his hands down her lower back, wishing that she didn’t have her hair in that damned Alliance bun. He wanted to see her with her hair down again, but he also didn’t want to take his hands off of her, or push this too far. He settled for running his hands over her hips, pressing firmly with his thumbs.

Shepard kissed back up his neck, along his jawline and over to his ear, to the spot that she knew drove him crazy. He groaned, trying to pull her in closer to him, trying to resist the urge to spin her around, slam her into the wall and rut into her right there.

“Commander? Are you there?” Joker’s voice crackled over the intercom.

Shepard hissed under her breath, and disentangled herself from Kaidan. She was flushed, and he could see the low heat in her eyes.

“What is it Joker?” she called out, looking up at the ceiling.

“Got a signal from Anderson. Thought you might want to talk to him while we’ve still got communication up.”

She sighed, and Kaidan saw the mask slip back into place. Commander Shepard, always with things in hand. Off to save the galaxy, yet again.

“I’ll be right up. See if you can keep the signal.”

She turned to walk out of the room, and glanced over her shoulder at Kaidan.

“You wanted a sign, Alenko? You got one.” She strode from the room quickly, heading for the elevator and the War Room.            

Kaidan stared after her, trying to get his bearings back. He and Shepard still had a lot between them, and they’d managed to clear some of the air between them while he was in the hospital, but they had a little bit more to go.

“I think… yeah, I think that was a good sign, Shepard” he mumbled under his breath as he walked out of the room, intent on having a drink in his room while he thought things over.

After the biotic had left, Liara looked over at Garrus.

“Do you think we should do something about this?” she asked softly, concern for her friends etched onto her fine features.

“Like what, get them together and have some group therapy sessions?” Garrus rumbled.

Liara chuckled. “Now that would be interesting, but I think Yeoman Kelly was more suited to that, from what I understand. No, it’s obvious they still care deeply about each other, perhaps… perhaps all they need is a little nudge.”

Garrus nodded, thinking deeply.

“Alright. I think I have a story or two I need to tell Kaidan. You go talk to Shepard once she’s done yelling at the galaxy’s leaders some more.”

* * *

 

Kaidan was sitting comfortably in the starboard observation deck, a whisky in one hand and watching the stars slide by when Garrus walked into the room.

“Kaidan, there you are.” The turian sounded pleased that he had found him.

“Hey Garrus. Good to see you. Care to join me for a drink?”

“Well now that you mention it, that sounds great.” Garrus joined Kaidan at the small table and poured himself a drink from the half empty bottle.

“To us, kicking reaper ass and saving the galaxy once more” he said, tossing back his drink.

“I think I can drink to that. Here’s to coming out in one piece, with all the important bits still attached.” Kaidan added, downing his own drink a little quicker than was actually necessary.

He had been nervous at first, since Garrus had actually joined Shepard when she came calling on Omega, and had been with her every step of the way in fighting the collectors. He’d witnessed Kaidan’s reaction on Horizon, and Kaidan had feared that Garrus would be standoffish or outright furious with him over it. Perhaps it was the knowledge that Shepard would be pissed if Garrus damaged one of her best biotics that had saved his skin when he rejoined the crew of the  Normandy. He cleared his throat nervously, wanting to avoid an awkward silence.

“So, aside from teaming up with Shepard to save the world, what did you do after.. after Shepard died?” Kaidan asked.

God, that is such a weird fucking question to ask someone when the person you’re referring to is one floor above you.

Garrus chuckled, tapping his fingers on his glass.

“Well let’s see” he said slowly, his deep voice rumbling.

“I decided I still wanted to do some good in the world, but I didn’t want to join the military or go back to c-sec and deal with bureaucratic bullshit, so I headed to Omega and started cleaning up the streets directly.”

Kaidan smirked

“You went straight for Omega huh? You don’t fuck around when you decide to do something, do you?”

“Not really, no. I took on the name “Archangel” to disguise myself, found a loyal team of men and started picking off the thugs and lowlives in the streets. Sadly, I made more enemies than friends doing that, and Shepard wound up pulling my ass out of the fire. Don’t tell her I said that though.”

“I’m sure I can keep your secret for you there, Valkarian. What happened?”

“Basically all the merc groups decided they hated me enough to stop fighting each other in order to take me out, and they had me in a really tight corner. Shepard “signed up” to help take me out, slipped in, and then raised hell.”  Garrus grinned, as much as he could anyway. Turians weren’t the most visually expressive, and his scars made it even harder to gauge his expressions.

Kaidan gestured to the scars across his face.

“Is that how you wound up with that particular upgrade?”

Garrus snorted into his drink. “Yeah, it is actually. Pro-tip, _don’t_ take a rocket to the face. It hurts like a bitch and Shepard gets really mad at you. She yelled at me all the way back to the Normandy, while Kasume and Jacob just snickered in the background.”

“Yeah, that… that sounds like Shepard, doesn’t it.”

Kaidan felt a wave of dejection wash over him as a lump rose in his throat. She just never stopped giving for the people she cared about. She’d sacrificed everything for them before, even going so far as to sacrifice herself to save Joker. Knowing her she’d taken on a huge risk to save Garrus, just like she’d done over and over again. And he’d been nothing but a suspicious bastard towards her since.

“Kaidan, don’t be like that. Nobody blames you for what happened on Horizon. Not even Shepard.” Garrus said quietly.

Kaidan looked up at him, surprised by the sudden turn of conversation.

“Oh, don’t look so surprised. I’ve known the pair of you for three years now, and I’m very observant. It’s fairly obvious what’s going on.”

“That’s why you really came here, isn’t it?” Kaidan forced a chuckle. “Some spectre I am.”

“Mmm. Listen Alenko, the only two people who can decide what to do from here on out, and it’s you and Shepard. But. I think there are two stories you need to hear, because I don’t think Shepard is in any position to tell you herself.”

Kaidan arched an eyebrow and settled back into his chair, intrigued. What on earth could Shepard be reluctant to tell him that would actually improve things between them?

“Also, if you tell her that I told you and she comes after me, I expect you to help me take her down, otherwise you are short one turian for this mission.”

“I don’t know if a spectre and the best sharpshooter in the galaxy are any match for a pissed off Shepard, but I’ll do what I can.”

“That’ll do. Now listen. I’ve known Shepard for a long time now. I’ve been with her for most of the time that she’s been conscious and kicking ass, and for a few times that she wasn’t. In all that time, I’ve only seen her cry twice, Alenko. With all the shit she’s been through, from being the galaxy’s greatest hero to being branded its biggest traitor, through the firefights and the shitstorms, with all the people she’s lost along the way… only twice. In all that time. Both times, it was over you.”

Guilt stabbed at Kaidan again, and he squirmed, visibly uncomfortable. Shepard rarely showed vulnerability. Emotion, yes. Frequently and often loudly. But not vulnerability. To cry like that over him…

Garrus ploughed on, feeling it was kinder to get the story with over quickly.

“The first time was after Horizon. After your… confrontation, she finished the mission as usual, because of course she did. But afterwards…” he paused, swirling his drink in his glass.

“Afterwards, when we got back to the Normandy, she went up to her cabin, locked herself in, and didn’t speak to anyone for about eight or ten hours.”

Kaidan remembered his own night. He’d gone back to his quarters and gotten blackout drunk for three days.

“I found her later that night.. or rather, sometime in the early morning. She was down in the cargo bay, beating the absolute crap out of the training dummies.”

“Training dummies?” it wasn’t the point of the story, but Kaidan was curious.

Garrus waved a hand dismissively. “Cerberus gear. They had a bunch of dummies and targets down there for people to practice on. Shepard used to use them to test out her upgraded biotic abilities when she was still getting her feet under her. Personally, I think the alliance should have kept them. But I digress.”

“She was… hell, I’ll be blunt, Alenko. She was drunk. More so than I’d ever seen her. Drunk and blowing training dummies into obliteration because she had no fucking idea how to deal with what happened. EDI had been keeping an eye on her, so to speak, and alerted me to Shepard’s condition when she judged that it was getting out of hand. I was up calibrating those damned guns anyway.”

Garrus paused, thinking back to that night. He had honestly been worried Shepard was going to do something stupid, or wind up hurting herself. So he’d done the only thing he could think of and gone to her.

“She didn’t hear me come in, that’s how bad it was. I managed to get right up behind her and she nearly punched me out when she finally heard me. I guess I took her by surprise.” He smiled ruefully, rubbing his scars thoughtfully.

“When I grabbed Shepard by the shoulders, Kaidan, I realized just how drunk she was. She almost fell, and basically collapsed onto my shoulder. She also said the only thing she said all night.

“What was that?” Kaidan asked softly. He was scared to hear the answer. He needed to hear the answer.

Garrus paused.

“I think he hates me now.”  The silence spun out for a few moments as the words sunk in.

“After that, she broke down sobbing on my shoulder. I mean full on, heart breaking, gut wrenching sobbing, Kaidan. Until then, I’d never seen that side of Shepard, and I’ve only seen it once since then.”

Kaidan knocked back the rest of his drink quickly. It was a bad idea, but he needed to do something to cope with emotions Garrus’ story had stirred up. The mental image of Shepard hurt and sobbing, let alone over something he’d done… he had to make it up to her. He barely remembered the first few days after seeing Shepard on Horizon, but it was more or less a solitary version of the same thing. At least Shepard had had a shoulder to cry on.

“What then?”

“Not much. I got her ass up to her cabin, deposited her in bed with some water and got EDI to keep the door locked until Shepard had slept it off. She didn’t actually say anything else coherent to me except for that one thing. The rest was just... just tears, Kaidan.”

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair, trying to process everything Garrus had just told him. He’d always assumed.. what? That Shepard hadn’t been as broken up over him as he’d been over her? Every time he tried to think about what it had been like for her, all he could think about was how she didn’t have to spend two years trying to get over him. It wasn’t until recently he’d even let himself consider that maybe she still cared for him too. Because admitting that meant that he’d have to admit that there was the possibility of something happening between them again. Which meant opening himself to get hurt again.

He finally looked up at Garrus.

“I. Fuck, Garrus. I’m still trying to process a lot of this. But one thing I should say is thank you. Thank you for being there for her when I couldn’t be.”

Garrus nodded. “For what it’s worth, Kaidan. Nobody blames you, not even Shepard. We talked a fair amount after that, and I can say that with confidence. And I mean, as much as Shepard coming back fucked me up and threw me for a loop, I didn’t love her. Not the way you did. She’s my best friend in the whole goddamn galaxy, but her coming back meant something different to you, and I think maybe only Liara has the slightest idea of what it means and how it felt.”

Kaidan felt as if a weight he didn’t even know he’d been carrying had been lifted off of his shoulders and his conscience. He respected the people aboard this ship, considered them friends and allies, and he realized how badly he’d been afraid they’d all turn on him after what happened, especially with the way he and Shepard had been fighting.

“Please tell me Liara and Tali don’t hate me either.”

“Of course not. But before we get to the drunken group therapy part of the night where we all talk about our feelings, let me tell you the second story I have.”

Kaidan nodded, toying with his glass. He had a suspicion what this story was going to be, and it turned out that he was right.

“The second time I had the misfortune of witnessing the sight of Shepard crying was after the Mars archives, the first time we visited you in the hospital. She didn’t leave your side when we were transporting you to the citadel, and James had to physically pry her away to get some sleep when we transferred you into their care.”  Garrus snickered, recalling Shepard’s threats to the giant marine as he physically picked her up and carried her to the elevator.

“We couldn’t go with you, not with the galaxy going to shit around us, so we went off to Palavern while they worked on you.” Garrus’ voice betrayed no hint of emotion as to what had happened on his homeworld, and for that Kaidan admired him. He couldn’t even think of Earth without getting upset.

“But, eventually we had to come back to the citadel, and Shepard made a point of stopping in and seeing you even though you were still out cold. I went with her, and waited outside, but… but I still heard her, Kaidan. She told you she was sorry, “so goddamn sorry”, and that she still cared for you, and basically ordered you to get better. And then she broke down again.”

Garrus recalled peeking around the doorframe, and seeing Shepard sobbing over Kaidan’s unconscious and battered form. She’d been sitting on one of the stools the citadel had everywhere - designed to accommodate the most species possible, it was useable by most species, and uncomfortable for everyone. Her head rested on her arms, which rested on his bed, and her shoulders had been shaking with the force of her tears.

“Just… Just get better, Alenko. That’s an order. Major or not, you’re still going to take this order.”

Shepard stood up, dropped a kiss on his forehead gently and turned to walk out, catching Garrus peeking around at her. It was a mark of their friendship and her extreme distress that she didn’t even seem bothered by the fact that he had witnessed her moment of vulnerability.

Garrus didn’t say anything, but slipped an arm around Shepard and hugged her briefly.

“He’ll be okay, Shepard. Now let’s go kick some Reaper ass so we can bring back some stories for the Major, and make him jealous that he missed out.”

* * *

 

The silence spun out for a long moment after Garrus finished speaking. Kaidan swirled the last of his drink in his glass, staring out the window at the stars flying by, but not seeing them. All he could think of was Shepard.

“Garrus?”

“Yeah Kaidan?”

“I think I need to go talk to Shepard.”

“I think so.”

Kaidan headed for the elevator, barely restraining the urge to sprint. He jabbed at the button for Shepard’s cabin, and growled under his breath when the elevator took too long to get there. He took a deep breath as the doors slid open, and walked the few steps over to her door. He could hear music, low and pulsing. She must be done with her conference call with Anderson then, good.

Kaidan raised a hand, trying to ignore the churning of his stomach, and knocked on the door.  

  


       

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After speaking with Garrus about Shepard, Kaidan decides it's finally time to talk. To really talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently only edited by me, so I might have missed some things. There's a lot of talking and a lot of feels. Good feels though.

Kaidan waited anxiously after he knocked, worried Shepard was going to remain locked away all evening. After a few seconds though, he heard the music switch off and Shepard’s muffled invitation for him to enter the room.

He felt a cool breeze play on his face when he entered the room, drying his sweat and making him shiver. Shepard had always kept her room significantly cooler than the rest of the ship, since Biotics had a tendency to run hot. This was a lot colder than he remembered, though. Since Cerberus had upgraded her biotics, Shepard was probably running ever warmer than he remembered, and was likely keeping her room even colder to compensate. Not that he minded, really. He was also a powerful biotic, and had the same struggles with body heat and metabolism. Except unlike Shepard, he didn’t have his own quarters to keep as he pleased.

Shepard herself was sitting at her private terminal, tapping away at the keys. The room was dim, the only source of light the glow from her fish tank and her monitor, along with a single lamp sitting on her desk.

“I’ll be with you in one second, just hang on,” she said without looking over her shoulder to see who had arrived.

Kaidan could see the lengthy message she was working on - probably a message to the council, updating them on their progress. He took advantage of the moment to study her as she worked, leaning back against the cool glass of the fish tank. Shepard’s hair was coming undone from its severe military bun, something she would never allow to happen outside of her quarters, and the stress of the reaper war was causing her scars to crack open again painfully. Yet she still worried her bottom lip with her teeth while she typed in the way that was heartachingly familiar, and she still curled up in her chair in the same fashion, with her legs tucked underneath her. There was a cup of coffee sitting by her left hand, and Kaidan would be willing to bet it was half finished and cold with lipstick marks on the rim. The light from the lamp illuminated her profile, keeping her half in shadows and darkness. She looked mysterious, dangerous and lovely.

Kaidan thought it was quite possible that he had never loved her more than he did in that moment.

Shepard finished her message, pushed herself back from her desk, and stretched, raising her arms above her head.

“Alright, what earth shaking crisis to do I have to deal with no- oh. Kaidan. What, uhm, what are you doing here?” Shepard flushed when she turned and realized who her guest was.

“Is this a bad time? I can come back later.”

“What? No, no, it’s fine. I guess I just.. I uh, hadn’t prepared myself to see you again, after we…” _After we fought and then made out against the wall_ was the part Shepard couldn’t quite force herself to say.

“Yeah, about that. Can we talk? I mean… really talk.” Kaidan stepped forward and grasped Shepard’s hand lightly. “I wanna get this all out between us. I still love you, you know that. And I’m sorry for the way I acted. I just.. I’d really like to talk, if that’s okay.”

Kaidan brushed his thumbs across the back of Shepard’s knuckles, and she felt a slight flutter in her stomach. Although she had been around Kaidan quite a lot lately, physical contact between them had been minimal and even the smallest gesture was enough to stir up her nerves. She took a deep breath, and looked up at him.

“I think... Yeah, I think that would be a good idea, Kaidan.” Shepard tugged lightly on his hand, and led him over to the small leather sofa running along the wall of her cabin. She settled down lightly, tucking her legs under her and sitting sideways, leaning against the back of the sofa. Kaidan sat down next to her, falling backwards into the plush leather and looking up at her skylight.

“So, uhm. Where do we start?” Shepard asked softly.

Kaidan was silent for a moment, thinking. He had so many things to say that were all fighting to get out at once.

“I’m sorry. I think that’s where I need to start. I’m sorry for everything I’ve said and done since you came back that hurt you.”

“Kaidan, you don’t-” Shepard started to say, but Kaidan interrupted, tearing his gaze away from the stars.

“Hang on, just let me get this all out, okay, Shepard? I really need to say this to you.” He reached over and grabbed her hands lightly again in an attempt to be reassuring. Shepard nodded and settled back, looking at him intently.

“I acted terribly towards you on Horizon. Mostly it was just, you know, the shock of seeing you again after spending two years thinking you were dead. Which, I guess you kind of were? I’m still confused on that point, and trying to figure it out didn’t exactly help me adjust to your return very well. I was scared that it wasn’t you, that Cerberus had conceived of some sort of Shepard clone, or some sort of clever double, that it wasn’t really you. Then I was scared that it was you, and that you’d been awake, or alive, or whatever you want to call it for a long time, and just decided that you didn’t want to see me. I wasn’t sure what idea hurt more, actually. So, I reacted badly. I pushed you away. I pushed you away because I was scared and because I was hurting.”

Kaidan paused for a moment, trying to fight through the lump that was rising in his throat.

“The two years I thought you were dead were the longest, loneliest, most miserable two years of my life Shepard. Everyone wanted to honour you, to hold a memorial… I was dragged through a media circus, I was forced to give speeches at Alliance dinners and Citadel meetings, to give interviews to the reporters when all I wanted to do was grieve in peace and try to remember the woman you really were, the woman behind the title of ‘Commander Shepard.’ So to see you again, unexpectedly… I guess I just reacted in self-defence, out of fear of being hurt. When I saw you on Earth again, you looked like you’d been through hell. And I felt so guilty that I’d walked away, that I hadn’t been there beside you. All I wanted to do was to wrap you in my arms and tell you it was okay. To hell with everyone in the room, to hell with rank and protocol. All I wanted was for it to be you and me again, like it was. But there was that part of me, that part of me that was only concerned with getting hurt again, that kept questioning. Was it really you? Did you still love me? What happened to you? Did you still have your memories? Were we still together?”

Kaidan swallowed hard, blinking back tears as he stared at his hands holding Shepard’s.

“I’ve had a really hard time processing this, obviously. And I’m ashamed to admit that one of the thoughts that kept coming back to me is ‘Well _Shepard_ didn’t have to spend two years trying to get over _me_.’ It was self-indulgent crap, stuff I guess I came up with to try and justify how angry I was with you. Because there was just that part of me that couldn’t handle the thought that maybe you’d taken off and deliberately left me behind, knowing I was hurting and not caring. And I know that’s not you, Shep. You’d never do that to anyone. But self preservation is a funny thing you know? Part of me kept trying to paint you as the villain, and it wasn’t until I realized how badly you were hurting that it finally stopped. So, I’m sorry I was an asshole to you, and I’m sorry I pushed you away. And I guess I want to tell you that I still love you so goddamn much. I want to be with you again. And I don’t care about Alliance regulations anymore, I don’t care about rank or the chain of command. I want to do the right thing, and being with you feels right. Hell, the galaxy could be destroyed tomorrow. We’ve lost so much time already, I don’t want to lose out on anymore time with you.”

Shepard was quiet for a long moment, before uncrossing her legs and shifting closer to Kaidan. She slid her arms around him and pulled him in tight, planting a soft kiss on his temple.

“Kaidan…” she whispered, her voice cracking. She had to stop and try to get rid of the lump that had risen in her own throat before continuing.

“Okay. You’ve said your part, now let me say mine.” She brushed his hair back from his temple as she thought for a moment. Kaidan closed his eyes, listening to the sound of her voice.

“I woke up once before I was supposed to. I guess someone missed my sedatives, or something. All I remember is bright light, shouting, and a lot of pain. It was agony. Miranda told me later the first thing I did was ask for you. Well. It was more like I sobbed, and called out your name. When I woke up for the second time, when the facility was under attack, you were the first thing I thought of. I didn’t know where I was or what was going on, but I did know one thing; I knew I had to get to you.”

Shepard paused for a second, unsure of how to tell Kaidan the next thing she had to say.

“You were also the last thing I thought of before I died.”

Kaidan snuck an arm around her waist, burrowing in closer to Shepard. He breathed in her familiar scent -  gun oil, a lingering scent from her armour, and a hint of something sweet from the lotion she would never admit she used.

“When I came back, I wanted to find you. God, I wanted to find you so badly, Kaidan. I tried. I really did. But I was blocked on all fronts. I mean, I get that my coming back was a surprise. Hell, it was a surprise for me to wake up and realize I’d been gone for two years. But I just..I was angry, Kaidan. I was angry that nobody believed me about the collectors, I was angry that I had to convince everyone that I really was me, and that no I wasn’t working _for_ Cerberus, and that nobody would tell me a damn thing about where you were. That’s a lot of reasons to be angry. I resented having to be the one to save the galaxy again when all I wanted to do was find you, go somewhere remote and make up for lost time. But, someone has to do the galaxy’s dirty work,and I guess somewhere along the line I drew the short straw.”

Shepard’s voice held a hint of bitterness as she spoke. Kaidan was once again hit with a reminder of just how much weight had been unfairly placed on her shoulders, and tried to ignore the twinge of guilt he felt.

“Anyway. When we realized we’d have to go through the Omega-4 relay, I knew it was practically a suicide mission. And I guess I could have given up, realized that this was what I had been brought back for, Shepard’s final mission and so on. But instead knowing it was a suicide mission made me all the more determined to come back. To find you and explain myself to you. Once I’d dealt with the collectors, I could be free to find you again. That determination helped me get everyone back alive, but then when I came back, the alliance arrested me and I wasn’t allowed to see you. I guess this is all secondary to the fact that I love you too, Kaidan. That I’ve never stopped loving you and it was the thought of coming back and being with you that brought me back from the other side of the Omega-4 relay. And… I never resented you for what you said. It hurt, Kaidan. Worse than anything else I’ve ever been though, but...but I understand why you said what you did. I can’t say I wouldn’t have reacted the same way if it had been me in that position. I wish that I’d been able to warn you ahead of time, but how the fuck do you really brace someone for that news? We’re in a position that nobody really has been before, when it comes to a relationship. But Kaidan…”

Shepard paused, looking down at the man curled into her.

“There was never anyone else for me, Kaidan. Ever since I fell for you, it’s only been you. There were some… opportunities, after I came back, but I couldn’t act on them. I didn’t want to act on them. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. Only you. I just wanted you to know that, Kaidan. I never stopped being loyal to you - I know we weren’t _together_ , exactly. But it felt wrong to explore any other possibilities, even as just a way to cope, or blow off steam, or whatever, until I knew where we stood, you know? I’m not talking about sex, or just sex anyway. I love you. And that hasn’t changed since the day I realized I’d fallen in love with you. Not even death and rebirth at the hands of Cerberus changed that.”

Kaidan sat up straight and pulled Shepard into his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist tightly. His heart was hammering in his chest and he felt like he couldn’t get enough oxygen. He simply felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of emotions he was feeling. Guilt and sadness warred with love and affection in a roller coaster of emotions that was leaving him breathless and gasping for air. The room was spinning and he felt like he simply couldn’t hug Shepard tight enough. It was several minutes before he had composed himself enough to speak.

“I’m just.. I’m so happy to have you back. I never thought we’d be here again, together, in your cabin on the Normandy again.”

Shepard settled into Kaidan more comfortably, straddling his lap. She wrapped her arms around him, and leaned down to kiss him gently. He tipped his head back and deepened the kiss, nipping gently at Shepard’s lower lip.

When they finally parted, Shepard rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes.

“So then. I guess that just leaves the question, where do we stand now? I love you, Kaidan. That’s never changed. I can’t bury what I feel for you any longer. And I would like to go back to what we had before…” she trailed off, unsure of what to say next.

“I love you too, Shepard. And I would like that too. I want it to be us again. I want there to be an us again, regulations be damned.”

He moved his hands up her back and kissed her again, harder this time. Shepard was the last person he’d been intimate with, and his need for her was growing, demanding that he take her right there on her sofa. Shepard made a small noise against his lips, and ran her hands down his chest. His biotics tingled against her skin, buzzing and tingling against her skin in a way that made her ache for him. She rocked against him impatiently, feeling how hard he was against her.

After a few minutes, Shepard broke away from Kaidan and trailed her fingers down his cheek, looking at him intently.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked softly.

“About what?”

“About me. About us. About all of this.”

Kaidan smiled and kissed the pads of her fingers lightly.

“Shepard, since you walked onto the Normandy as the new XO, I can’t recall a time that I _didn’t_ want this. I never stopped wanting this, never stopped wanting you. If you’re talking about the way I reacted after you came back, well…”

He brushed his fingers against her cheek and moved them to her hair, working on unpinning it with one hand

“...I guess I’ve finally come to realize that this is real. That you’re really back, and that you are still the same Shepard that I loved. It was hard, knowing you were here again but not knowing if it was really you. Then we heard about the mess with the Batarian colony, and that you’d been court-marshalled, that you were facing charges. I was worried. Worried that you’d changed. But after seeing you again, spending time with you again, I realize that it was all needless. You’re still the same Celeste Shepard you always were, and nothing is going to change that. Seeing how tirelessly you’ve fought for the galaxy, how you’ve ended grudges hundreds of years old. You are still you. Every last inch of you.”

Kaidan manipulated the pin holding up Shepard’s hair and it tumbled down to her shoulders. He sat there and looked at her, this amazing, perfect woman sitting there in his lap, half hidden in the shadows and starlight. He loved the sight of her with her hair down and wasted no time in tangling his fingers in it as he pulled her down for another crushing kiss.

Shepard gave into the kiss, holding onto Kaidan tightly. When he’d walked away from her on Horizon she thought she’d lost everything. Now it seemed she’d won it all back. She wanted him, wanted every inch of him. She slipped one hand behind his neck, careful around his amp, and with the other she tugged on his shirt hem.

“Bunk here with me tonight, Kaidan.”

 

 


End file.
